Aviation quotes

[cgroves]

Some good s quotes of RCSE:
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

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"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S.
Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.

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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For
I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71
operating baseKadena, Japan

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You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)

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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor

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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If
a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, ..... the pilot dies."

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"Never trade luck for skill."

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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:

"Why is it doing that?" "Where are we?" and "OH SHIT!"

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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

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"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."

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"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight."

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"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
row is prevarication."

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"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries."

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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

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"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

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"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be
held on a sunny day."

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Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity as slowly and gently as possible."

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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to
its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut

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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign
over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the
appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It
is much more difficult to fly there."

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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal."

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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives,
the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The
pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself

[Tom Hastie]

Aircraft snag reports:

(P = Pilot) (E = Maintenance Engineer)

P: Left inside tyre almost needs replacing
E: Almost replaced left inside tyre

P: Test flight OK but auto-landing system very rough.
E: Auto-landing not installed on this aircraft

P: Something loose in cockpit
E: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Evidence of leak on right landing gear
E: Evidence removed

P: Number 3 engine missing
E: Number 3 engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
E: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious

P: Radar hums
E: Reprogrammed radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit
E: Cat installed

[miketoner]

The woman standing at her kitchen door of her farm house is gaping in disbelief at the P39 which has just come to a grinding halt in her yard after making a belly landing in a cornfield. Feathers and bits of wood from the smashed chicken coop are settling to the ground. The pilot opens the canopy, looks at her and says,

"Good morning Ma'am. May I use your phone?"

(From an autobiography of a WWII pilot, describing an incident which occurred during his flight training).

[Tom Hastie]

Ummm... I wonder if I can post these here.


· Airplane skin doesn't wrinkle as badly.
· Airplanes don't take forever to warm up.
· Airplanes like to do it inverted.
· It's easier to get 'trim' in an airplane.
· You can keep an airplane from stalling.
· Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
· An airplane won't slap you for being a 'bush pilot.'
· You don't always have to be on top to ride an airplane.
· An airplane doesn't ask you to put on a raincoat before entry.
· An airplane's thrust to weight ratio is higher.
· You can easily leave an airplane before sunrise.
· Airplane exhaust fumes smell better.
· Airplanes lose weight faster.
· An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
· An airplane's performance is seldom hindered by weather.
· An airplane will not get mad if you ride someone else's airplane.
· An airplane's cockpit is cleaner.
· You can calculate the peak performance of an airplane.
· An Airplane is easy to roll over.
· You can still activate a fifty year old airplane.
· Up to five people can ride in the cockpit of an airplane.
· Airplane's don't droop after many years.
· You can always tell when an airplane is going to give out.
· An airplane moves when you tell it to.
· An airplane will kill you quick . . . a woman takes her time.
· An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
· An airplane will let you use your dip stick anytime you want.
· Airplanes don't make you 'pull-out' to eject.
· You can change the looks of an airplane.
· Airplanes come with manuals.
· A 747 can keep you up for 14 hours.
· Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
· When you put fuel into an airplane, it does not spit it out.
· Airplanes curves never sag.
· Airplanes last longer.
· Airplanes don't get pregnant.
· You can fly a airplane any time of the month.
· Airplanes don't have parents.
· Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.
· You can share your airplanes with your friends.
· If your airplane makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler.
· If your airplane smokes, you can do something about it.
· Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown.
· When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time.
· Airplanes don't care about how many other airplane's you have.
· Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplane's, or if you buy airplane magazines.
· If your airplane is too loose, you can tighten it.
· You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your airplane.
· You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your airplane.
· You don't have to convince your airplane that you're a pilot and that you think that all airplanes are equals.
· If you say bad things to your airplane, you don't have to say your sorry before you can fly it again.
· You can fly an airplane as long as you want and it won't get sore.
· Your parents don't remain in touch with your old airplane after you dump it.
· Airplanes always feel like going for a ride.
· Airplanes don't insult you if you are a bad pilot.
· It's always OK to use tie downs on your airplane.
· Your airplane never wants a night out alone with the other airplanes.
· Airplanes don't care if you are late.
· You don't have to take a shower before flying your airplane.

[Dave Rees]

Just ran across these and thought some of you out there might enjoy them. There are a few that I'm sure some will recognize but, hopefully there are some new ones too.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"


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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."


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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."


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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"


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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."


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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."




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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, my'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

Cheers,
Dave